Stealth

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Stealth
Review (1.5/10)
(By Alex Riviello)


Warning: Spoilers and Profanity to follow.

Stealth is one of the biggest wastes of celluloid to come out recently. Sometimes there's nothing better than a big stupid action movie (see my review of Bad Boys II), but Christ, they have to at least be entertaining. As for this one, I doubt you'll find a bigger piece of shit this summer.

No idea who they were trying to fool, but someone actually tried to stick a plot into this stinker. Here goes - 3 pilots (Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel, Jamie Foxx) are pilots for some stealth plane program (more on that later). The stock bad guy character that's the head of their program introduces them to a new wingman... a thinking computer that flies itself. It's basically a ball that sits in the cockpit and learns from what its teammates do and has a big red eye reminiscent of Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey. That should've been their first indication that something was going to go wrong. They go on a training mission and during the middle of a storm, Tin Man (yes, that's their code name for him....gah) gets struck by lightning and gets its brains/wires scrambled. The bad guy decides that nothing's wrong with him and sends him out on the next mission. He goes haywire, taking out a target that the team leader told him not to and kills thousands of innocent villagers. Tin Man runs off and starts threatening Russians. They try a couple of times to take him down, but it doesn't seem like they care too much - they only have the 3 team-members going after him. I've just wasted more time typing up the plot than was put into the script, so I'm going to end it there. There's not suspense in the movie, why should there be in the review?

This movie is all about the flashy special effects shots. You'll groan when they do yet another sweeping, whirling flyby of the planes, going round and round, showing off the obvious CG, and finally end in the cockpit with the actor. Completely overused. There's a big effects moment at the very beginning of the movie where you just sit there and say "hmm, they sure are blowing a lot of stuff up". Explosions left and right, missiles flying everywhere, you going along with them for the ride. But there's no feeling to it. What a waste. The fact that Tin Man speaks in a ridiculous robot voice doesn't help any. Especially when he tries to relay his "emotions" over killing someone. It's a hysterical moment that's acted with complete sincerity.

There is absolutely no character development in this movie. You don't know whom these people are, you don't care, and you're glad to see them get hurt and die. It's just a shame they all didn't. And in a completely fucked up move by the marketing people, main-billed star Jamie Foxx (he's on every TV and radio ad) dies about a third of the way into the movie, thankfully purging him from this assfest of a movie. I can only hope he did this movie before he got his Oscar. Then again, Halle Berry went on to Catwoman, so who knows.

I know a movie like this isn't going to be realistic, and that it doesn't really make sense to gripe about it, but I'm going to anyway. The funniest moment in the film is when Jessica Biel falls out of her destroyed plane, hurtles towards the ground while fire and metal rain down around her, deploys her parachute which gets set on fire by some debris, crashes into a huge tree, and breaks every branch on the way down. Wait a second - I'm not done. She then stands up and dusts herself off, examines her three (3!) scratches and sets off into the wilderness of North Korea. Yep, she landed there. She manages to get the whole friggin' North Korean army after her and fights them off, shooting at them with a submachine gun she managed to hold onto in her fall. Thankfully she found a code for unlimited ammo under a rock and never has to reload or run out of bullets. Ok, I'm lying about that last one. But anyways, she runs throughout North Korea for a day or so and decides to take on the guards of the North/South Korean army to get into friendly territory. The stupidity is overwhelming. And at the end of all of this, when Tin Man finally gets a heart and tries to protect his wingmen - he gets taken down by a helicopter. A fucking helicopter. This plane's been flying all over the place, performing impossible maneuvers, and he stands still and gets taken out by a fucking helicopter with a minigun. Kill me now! And another thing - for a movie called Stealth, it doesn't have a lot of it. There's one stealth mission where they take out a building with some terrorists planning on bombing the US where the pilot flies through the streets of the city.

It's a shame that Mystery Science Theater 3000 isn't around anymore, because this is the perfect movie for them. In fact, if you could sneak beer into the theater and grab a bunch of loud friends, this could be the best movie-going experience of the summer. You could just sit and rip on every part of the movie - the horrible dialogue, the characters no one cares about, the ridiculous situations they get themselves into and out of. As a so-bad-it's-good movie, this could be a 9 or 10. But for anyone else, do something else. It's summer. Read a book on a beach. Ride a bike. Plant a tree... Shit, watch paint dry, mug a rich elderly lady, take up that glue sniffing habit you've always wanted. Just don't waste your life and money on this turd.

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