The Love Guru

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The Love Guru
Review (2/10)
(By Brendan Cullin)

Before I even saw "The Love Guru", everything I read about this movie was bad. It was like 80% of movie lovers in the world didn't like it just based on the trailers alone, because no one had actually seen the movie yet. You'd almost think it was "The Happening". Nevertheless, I wanted to like this movie. I'm a fan of Mike Myers. He's Canadian, he loves the Toronto Maple Leafs and he's Dr. Evil. What's not to like? I was even at a couple of the Maple Leafs games where scenes for "The Love Guru" were filmed and you always want to root for a movie that you kind of feel like you were a part of it, however small that part may have been.

Unfortunately, I have bad news for you. Mike Myers could not save this movie. The Maple Leafs winning The Stanley Cup could not save it. I'm not even sure if Jessica Alba would have flashed those perfect breasts of hers that "The Love Guru" could have been saved. It's that bad.

"The Love Guru" is the story of a highly-acclaimed guru (Mike Myers) who is summoned by the owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs (Jessica Alba) to help get their star play, Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco), focused on hockey and not on his ex-wife, who is now banging the goalie of the Los Angeles Kings, Jacques "Le Coq" Grande (Justin Timberlake). The Leafs, coached by Punch Cherkov (Verne Troyer), are in the Stanley Cup Finals and with their star player being messed up in the head, they have no chance of winning. That is where Guru Pitka comes in, hopefully to steer the ship the right way.

Making "The Love Guru" must have been a dream for Mike Myers. He got to make a movie in his hometown (Toronto), with Jessica Alba, and about his favourite team, the Toronto Maple Leafs. Hell, he was even allowed to have them win the Stanley Cup, something the sadsack Leafs have not been able to do since 1967, both in the movie and in real life. Unfortunately, not even Mike Myers living a dream could save this movie. It was just so, so bad. Probably the only funny thing about "The Love Guru" was Myers himself, and perhaps a few chuckles here and there, but other than that, The Love Guru was just painful to watch. The supporting cast in this movie was so unfunny that not one of those actors should ever be allowed to act in a comedy for the rest of their lives. The shocking thing is that some of them actually have the potential to be funny - Justin Timberlake with his famous "dick-in-the-box" video; Mini-Me in a suit coaching a hockey team; Romany Malco, who you will probably remember from "The 40-Year Old Virgin"; a cross-eyed Ben Kingsley. None of them could barely generate a single laugh in the entire audience. I don't even think I have to comment on Jessica Alba's ability to be funny because if any of you have seen "Good Luck Chuck", you should already know the answer to that. It's as if every single funny line was hijacked by Myers and everyone else was left with the scraps. Hell, I think in the theatre I was at, even I was funnier than 99% of the movie. I dozed off for about a minute and let out (totally by accident) a big snore. Everyone sitting around me was laughing and, to be honest, it's the most laughs I think I heard in the entire 90 minutes.

In the end, I'm not sure if there's too much positive I can say about "The Love Guru". If a handful of laughs in between way too many bad penis and urine jokes and some of the worst hockey I have ever seen in the history of movies is your thing, then by all means, go see this movie. If not, then stay far, far away. If watching two elephants having sex is your thing, then by all means, go see "The Love Guru". Yeah, that's right, two elephants had sex and we were supposed to laugh. Just thinking about it gives me a headache.

I was reading how Hindus were going to boycott "The Love Guru" because of its offensive portrayal of their people. I can assure you this - Hindus should not be the only ones offended. Hockey fans should be offended. Roosters should be offended. Midgets should be offended. Penises should be offended. Dolly Parton should be offended. Elephants should be offended. Jessica Alba's boobs should be offended. Hell, I think it's just easier if I just say the entire world should be offended. It's that bad of a movie.

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