Cold Creek Manor

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Review (5/10)
(By Brendan Cullin)

About 3/4 of the way through Cold Creek Manor, I was feeling terribly misled by the trailers and previews for this movie. I suppose this is a good thing because I am always bitching about how much some trailers give away but I guess I just went into this movie expecting one thing and got something totally different. Nevertheless, I don't want to give away too much about the plot of this movie because I don't want to be the person who ruins it for everyone. I'm sure there will be plenty of other movie reviewers on the internet who will take the liberty of doing so.

Cold Creek Manor is the story of a New York City couple who are fed up with the big city so they pack their bags, grab the kids and buy a rundown estate in the middle of Buttfuck, Idaho. It is not long before they realize their dream home is hiding a terrible secret. The movie stars Dennis Quaid and Sharon Stone as the unassuming couple and some of the smalltown USA folk include Stephen Dorff and Juliette Lewis.

So what did I think of this movie? Well, besides it not being what I thought it would be, I wasn't really too enthralled. It seems like a movie that should be starring John Travolta and well, I guess, Sharon Stone. It just seems like a movie with a script that was written by an amateur and directed by his brother. It seems like one of those movies that, in a few years, we will see every Sunday afternoon on the Superstation. Sure Cold Creek Manor has a few tense moments, a couple of good scenes and maybe one twist that I didn't see coming but overall, there is not a whole lot here. The acting is average at best. None of the characters are terribly enthralling. Stephen Dorff plays a real arsehole in the movie and he plays it to a tee, but his character is a mess. The role he played in the movie, he should have been the coolest dude in the movie. Instead, he was a waste of film. And by the way Dorff, I like ya, you got great abs, now put your fucking shirt on. You would almost think that Victor Salva directed the movie. As for Sharon Stone, well, she has one braless (but not shirtless) scene where we get to see some pretty good nipple, but she doesn't show us her bush a la Basic Instinct, which is always disappointing. That's all I can really remember about her from the movie. Dennis Quaid is probably the best character in the movie but even he is nothing to write home about. And the ending of the movie? Predictable. Boring. Yawn.

The only warning I will give you about this movie is not to bring your mother. I brought my mother and had to sit through a rather explicit sex scene in the movie that lasted maybe a minute or two but felt like about two hours. You want uncomfortable? Try sitting next to your mother while Stephen Dorff peels off Juliette Lewis's panties and then does her doggie-style. I was begging for the scene to end. I might as well of brought my mother to a strip bar with me. It would have felt the same. Oh, and there is lots of snakes in the movie. Just thought I would warn you about that too.

As you can see, I wasn't too happy with Cold Creek Manor. It is not the worst movie I have ever seen. But I guess I was expecting more and even gave up a chance to see Matchstick Men because I thought Cold Creek looked like a good one. It is just one of your basic Sunday afternoon, sitting at home on a rainy day with nothing to do movies. It might be an okay rental. But in all honesty, it is just another one of those average Hollywood movies that was made because it was cheap and the movie will end up making money even with an average box office and all the rentals and dvd sales and all that shit.

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