Snakes on a Plane

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Snakes on a Plane
Review (6.5/10)
(By Brendan Cullin)

In Snakes on a Plane, Sean Jones is a surfer/motocross driver who is racing through the back trails of Hawaii when he has the bad fortune of witnessing a murder committed by a world-renowned criminal named Eddie Kim. Sean is then scooped up by the police and stuck on a plane to Los Angeles where the plan is to have him testify against Kim. He is accompanied on the plane by Agent Nelville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) in order to ensure his safe arrival to L.A., but Kim has a surprise in store for Sean, Flynn and the other hundred or so passengers on board the plane. He has booby-trapped (ha ha - I just wrote booby) the plane with hundreds of poisonous snakes from all over the world who have a penchant for chomping on nipples and wieners and anything else that is in their path. Agent Flynn and the rest of the passengers must now battle these snakes before they kill Flynn, Sean and everyone else on the flight.

That, in a nutshell, is the basic plot of Snakes on a Plane. What you get from Snakes is exactly what you would and should expect from a movie called Snakes on a Plane - gruesome deaths, cheesy one-liners, one-dimensional characters (some of whom you want to see live and others who you want to see die) and overall, a fun and mindless 90 minutes in the theatre. There's not a whole lot of surprises here. Despite what I heard the director claim in a recent interview, Snakes is not a movie that is to be taken seriously. In fact, the few moments where Snakes tries to be serious are as comical as the moments where it's silly. I mean, how can you take a movie seriously when it has a bunch of snakes that attack a woman's nipple, feast on a dude's wiener and fondle a big, fat ugly woman's boobs. And by the way ladies, despite what this movie wants you to believe, men don't go to the bathroom and whip out their schlong and say to it "How's it goin' big guy" because if they did, they would get beat down for that shit. It's "cheese" at it's best. It's fairly entertaining cheese but it could have been a lot better. I really thought Snakes could have given us a lot more of the Sam Jackson and his affinity for the "f" bomb that we have come to love in so many of his previous movies. I thought it took too long for the action and the snakes to get going and although I appreciated the movie setting up most of the main characters for us and establishing who we should like and who we want to see die a horrible death, it felt like the movie was half over before anything of significance started happening - kind of like this review. I thought the ending of the movie could have been better and it really lacked the grand finale type of showdown with the snakes that I am sure most of were expecting.

Nevertheless, Snakes on a Plane is what it is - a 90-minute ride on a plane with Sam Jackson and a bunch of snakes. I have to say that as I write this review, not only am I actually on a plane back to Toronto and wishing there was a snake on here to strangle the stinky fucker sitting beside me, but I was reading this morning about the movie's $15 million opening weekend and am quite surprised that it did so poorly. This movie has been hyped so much during the last four or five months (and before) that you figure it could have pulled in at least $40 million on its opening weekend. I'm sure once the international receipts and DVD sales are tallied, Snakes will do just fine but it really shows the influence of a lot of the self-proclaimed movie geeks and world-famous fan boy sites out there - not a whole helluva lot. Maybe Empire Movies, the home of the real, intelligent movie fan, should have given the movie a bit more of a push to help it out.

Nevertheless, and as I stated earlier, in Snakes, you get exactly what you would and should expect, but maybe not enough Sam Jackson and not the grand finale that you would hope. It's a good enough and clean enough movie that in a couple of years it will show up on your local movie channel and probably be shown fairly regularly over the next twenty years. It's probably one of the better "snake" movies that I have seen in recent memory, and that includes all those Anaconda movies. It's everything you could want when you have Sam Jackson and motherfuckin' snakes on a motherfuckin' plane. Sorry, I had to get it out of my system at least once.

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